For some reason I was convinced that at a certain point my weight loss would just cease. And it would cease before I wanted it to. In fact, I guessed that 230 or so would be my set point for awhile. I'm wrong, and I'm glad.
It has taken a long time to get to just "here." I'm still overweight, and that's frustrating, because you realize how much weight you needed to lose to begin with, b/c dammit, you've lost a lot already. But it's also a sweet moment, b/c I've never been this little in my memory. I've always been climbing the charts. Now, I'm surprising myself with every turn.
A quick shopping trip at Target blew me away when I realized after months of wearing clothes that were actually too big for me, that I'm no longer wearing a size precluded by a "2". I'm in 16/18 pants, and this is unbelievable. My "goal dress" fits, and is loose-ish. I wonder why I didn't set my goal lower, and I know now it's b/c I never thought I'd achieve anything better than that.
I'm also dropping very very quickly lately. A combination of nerves, and a heavy emphasis on lean protein and fruits and veggies have served to expedite my pound droppage, and I've lost a little over 10 pounds in about two weeks or so. For the month, that should be almost 18 pounds. I haven't lost that much weight since the first month or so.
I wonder inside when my body will know it's time to stop. If it will stop successfully, or whether I'll need to really work to eat more, denser caloric value foods.
No matter, because I'm 50 pounds from that day. And friends, I'm staring at that number. Only 50 pounds? ONLY? 50? Fifty lbs? What? Whatever happened to 170? How did this happen? I think it happened a moment at a time.
Today was a wow moment. I was walking into my office, wearing my badass size 18 jeans-so cute-and my new Michigan, super cozy hoodie. Makeup perfectly done, sassy new do, and I saw myself in the mirror and I was content. Oh, yes...I want to keep plodding away, but I mean, by God, I could handle the truth. I see myself and I feel rather skinny. (*laugh*) I know, I'm not. But, I also see where I'm headed and I'm just all "wow" about it.
I pray to the God in heaven that this mystery and this beauty of reclaiming who you are never leaves me and I never leave it. May I never take for granted a single second of acceptance and health and vitality because I could be on my way to dead right now had this course not been taken.
I want to fall to the ground in utter gratitude. I have my life back.
Friday, October 17, 2008
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
A tornado
Well, the amusement park was great. I road all rides successfully and with no physical duress. *clap, clap*
I wish I had strength and energy to go into how fun and great and lovely it was, but my heart is hurting today. I've had "a weekend." It was wonderful at times, and then, with an edge sharp and slicing, it cut deeply.
Without going into many details, a relationship I hold dear is falling apart, and crumbling. It will not likely survive.
Since this blog is primarily about my efforts to lose weight, eat healthy and live strong...I'll address how this crumbling relationship, this intense stress, and emotional upheaval affects a woman living post wls.
In this past week, I've lost ten pounds. I'm not sure I've lost that much weight in one week since the beginning of my weigh loss journey. It's not a healthy weight loss, and while any weight I lose makes me happy, this one doesn't have as much excitement attached to it. I've lost weight because I haven't been able to force myself to eat. I've been too full of anxiety and tumult to really know how to feed myself.
I know that I am different now. I am not like the rest of America in that my nutrition has a daily impact on how healthy I will be in the rest of my life. I am disturbed by the fact that I have probably not hit even half of my daily protein goals all week. Muscle wasting!?! Maybe. I've also been distracted and on more than a few occasions, forgot my vitamins. This too is a big no no.
Realistically, we all know that sometimes a little rain will fall into our lives, and that is ok. The sun will shine again. However, it's imperative that I and anyone else living lives like our own accepts that just like breathing, we have to do some things without fail, ever day. We must drink our water, eat our protein, take our vitamins and thank Jesus for new beginnings.
I'm learning that even a tornado can't destroy a foundation. So, I'm holding on to my foundations....and then I will pick up the pieces.
I wish I had strength and energy to go into how fun and great and lovely it was, but my heart is hurting today. I've had "a weekend." It was wonderful at times, and then, with an edge sharp and slicing, it cut deeply.
Without going into many details, a relationship I hold dear is falling apart, and crumbling. It will not likely survive.
Since this blog is primarily about my efforts to lose weight, eat healthy and live strong...I'll address how this crumbling relationship, this intense stress, and emotional upheaval affects a woman living post wls.
In this past week, I've lost ten pounds. I'm not sure I've lost that much weight in one week since the beginning of my weigh loss journey. It's not a healthy weight loss, and while any weight I lose makes me happy, this one doesn't have as much excitement attached to it. I've lost weight because I haven't been able to force myself to eat. I've been too full of anxiety and tumult to really know how to feed myself.
I know that I am different now. I am not like the rest of America in that my nutrition has a daily impact on how healthy I will be in the rest of my life. I am disturbed by the fact that I have probably not hit even half of my daily protein goals all week. Muscle wasting!?! Maybe. I've also been distracted and on more than a few occasions, forgot my vitamins. This too is a big no no.
Realistically, we all know that sometimes a little rain will fall into our lives, and that is ok. The sun will shine again. However, it's imperative that I and anyone else living lives like our own accepts that just like breathing, we have to do some things without fail, ever day. We must drink our water, eat our protein, take our vitamins and thank Jesus for new beginnings.
I'm learning that even a tornado can't destroy a foundation. So, I'm holding on to my foundations....and then I will pick up the pieces.
Friday, October 3, 2008
Anxiety
Well, tomorrow is the big day. A little caravan of folksies, including me, my hubs, my gal pal, and another friend is headed to Sandusky to ride the rides at Cedar Point amusement park. I've passed the 100 pounds lost threshold, and will be thusly rewarded with a day getting sick to my stomach, and whirling around on mechanical cars.
Here's the thing though...I'm still kinda terrified that my large ass won't fit in the seats. And, perhaps the seat belts won't buckle. AND, what if my big fat tummy insists on making it impossible for the lap bar to come down? I mean, I'm still overweight. I'm still obese according to the BMI charts! I'm barely fitting in the teen sizes and I'm sliding by a tiny margin into 229 lbs. GAH!
It's not that it would devastate me to have to miss out on a couple coasters, but I'm envisioning pain and agony trying to squeeze myself into every ride.
My vision of how much I weigh, and how large I am seems to be doing the opposite of what my body is really doing. The smaller I get, the larger I feel. I probably wouldn't have thought too much about it at a larger weight, but now? I'm paranoid and terrified. Not to mention, Cedar Point seems to be notorious about prohibiting larger riders from tight fits...oh the agony.
Have I come this far only to be rejected because of my size again? I guess I'll let you know tomorrow when I get home...pray for me, peeps. I need to have some victory here.
Here's the thing though...I'm still kinda terrified that my large ass won't fit in the seats. And, perhaps the seat belts won't buckle. AND, what if my big fat tummy insists on making it impossible for the lap bar to come down? I mean, I'm still overweight. I'm still obese according to the BMI charts! I'm barely fitting in the teen sizes and I'm sliding by a tiny margin into 229 lbs. GAH!
It's not that it would devastate me to have to miss out on a couple coasters, but I'm envisioning pain and agony trying to squeeze myself into every ride.
My vision of how much I weigh, and how large I am seems to be doing the opposite of what my body is really doing. The smaller I get, the larger I feel. I probably wouldn't have thought too much about it at a larger weight, but now? I'm paranoid and terrified. Not to mention, Cedar Point seems to be notorious about prohibiting larger riders from tight fits...oh the agony.
Have I come this far only to be rejected because of my size again? I guess I'll let you know tomorrow when I get home...pray for me, peeps. I need to have some victory here.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
always changing
Our bodies are always doing new and surprising things to us it seems. For instance, just last night, for the first time, my tummy gurgled. I haven't heard or felt a gurgle in nine months, but now, it's nonstop! All last night and into this morning I'm all rumbling and gurgling and what not.
I'm not sure if it's hunger ( I hope not! ) or just gas or what, but it's like, "hey! what are you doing in there?!"
It is reminding me that all things change, and with time, this phase I'm in will pass, and I'll have to rely on something stronger than just my lack of hunger or small pouch for strength to make the right choices.
I'll have to rely on me.
I'm not sure if it's hunger ( I hope not! ) or just gas or what, but it's like, "hey! what are you doing in there?!"
It is reminding me that all things change, and with time, this phase I'm in will pass, and I'll have to rely on something stronger than just my lack of hunger or small pouch for strength to make the right choices.
I'll have to rely on me.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Kiss it.
I've been growing increasingly grumpy with my weight loss pause (and I've had quite a few of them thus far). In this health quest sentence, this particular pause is driving me batty. I'm reaching the point where I fully realize, I could be content forever at this stage. It's not, in my opinion, dramatically overweight. It's not "stand out in a crowd" obese. It's merely plump, and it's an easy place to stay. It's comfortable and it's the thinnest I've ever been as an adult, so it's exciting and novel.
But it's not best.
Thus, cue the grumpies. I am quite amazed with my transformation when I look at pictures, but when I look at myself in the mirror, I only see potential. I'd never seen potential before! I only saw fat. And perma-fat at that. I didn't believe I could lose weight, so I never really tried for it. Now that I see healthy living as a lifestyle and weight loss as a reality, status quo simply doesn't do it for me anymore. So, it seems each time I step on the scale with small changes, I get mad. I get angry, and I get motivated.
I've been tracking my calories, examining my diet and hunting down new and exciting ways to add more protein to my plate. Not to mention? This girl who hates to exercise is finally breaking a sweat. (Thank you to the Planet Fitness genius's who make it affordable AND provide endless channels of mindless tv to watch while I huff and puff)
Ya see, I've NEVER been the type that really wanted to be thin. I've always liked Kate Winslet with her winsome curves, and that darling Ricki Lake in her healthy hay day. Give me Queen Latifah over that skinny girl from the movie "crash" any day of the week. But I'm going to have to be the first to admit it...the closer I get to goal, the further the option gets of staying in the same place. My hunger for it grows and the thirst intensifies! I was under the impression that the closer my goal got, the more content I'd be. Farther from the truth that could not be!
So, I've lost about 100, and I've got about 60ish to go. And I know unwaveringly that the next 60 are going to be HARD. They are going to be way hard. They are going to make the first 100 look like a piece of cake. But I'm baring down, narrowing my eyes, growling at, and calling out those next 60. They're days are numbered and they're ticket is almost up. I feel like I'm telling those extra pounds to meet me outside in the back of the school yard at three o'clock for a fight. Yeah, it's dumb, but it's personal. (I also watched dirty harry yesterday so I'm feeling rather combative! than you clint.)
I want to thank those first 100 pounds though for giving me the motivation to tackle the next 60. As any good WLS patient knows...eventually the honeymoon period ends, and you realize this is your show now. It's yours to win or to lose. Gone are the days when a couple bites would fill me up beyond comfort. I can eat a "normal sized portion" just like anyone else. No more, but certainly up to that. And gone are the days when I could trust my pouch capacity to do the work for me.
Oh no. Now it's me and what I've learned. And I'm okay with that. I still have my tool, and it'll keep working for me as long as I keep working hard for it. You girls who are living this stage of WLS know what I mean. It gave us the boost we need to make the next thirty or forty years wonderful and filled with healthy and right choices that we made for ourselves (and not because our new pouches made them for us.)
So, 233. You can kiss it, cause I don't plan to see your ugly mug around much longer.
But it's not best.
Thus, cue the grumpies. I am quite amazed with my transformation when I look at pictures, but when I look at myself in the mirror, I only see potential. I'd never seen potential before! I only saw fat. And perma-fat at that. I didn't believe I could lose weight, so I never really tried for it. Now that I see healthy living as a lifestyle and weight loss as a reality, status quo simply doesn't do it for me anymore. So, it seems each time I step on the scale with small changes, I get mad. I get angry, and I get motivated.
I've been tracking my calories, examining my diet and hunting down new and exciting ways to add more protein to my plate. Not to mention? This girl who hates to exercise is finally breaking a sweat. (Thank you to the Planet Fitness genius's who make it affordable AND provide endless channels of mindless tv to watch while I huff and puff)
Ya see, I've NEVER been the type that really wanted to be thin. I've always liked Kate Winslet with her winsome curves, and that darling Ricki Lake in her healthy hay day. Give me Queen Latifah over that skinny girl from the movie "crash" any day of the week. But I'm going to have to be the first to admit it...the closer I get to goal, the further the option gets of staying in the same place. My hunger for it grows and the thirst intensifies! I was under the impression that the closer my goal got, the more content I'd be. Farther from the truth that could not be!
So, I've lost about 100, and I've got about 60ish to go. And I know unwaveringly that the next 60 are going to be HARD. They are going to be way hard. They are going to make the first 100 look like a piece of cake. But I'm baring down, narrowing my eyes, growling at, and calling out those next 60. They're days are numbered and they're ticket is almost up. I feel like I'm telling those extra pounds to meet me outside in the back of the school yard at three o'clock for a fight. Yeah, it's dumb, but it's personal. (I also watched dirty harry yesterday so I'm feeling rather combative! than you clint.)
I want to thank those first 100 pounds though for giving me the motivation to tackle the next 60. As any good WLS patient knows...eventually the honeymoon period ends, and you realize this is your show now. It's yours to win or to lose. Gone are the days when a couple bites would fill me up beyond comfort. I can eat a "normal sized portion" just like anyone else. No more, but certainly up to that. And gone are the days when I could trust my pouch capacity to do the work for me.
Oh no. Now it's me and what I've learned. And I'm okay with that. I still have my tool, and it'll keep working for me as long as I keep working hard for it. You girls who are living this stage of WLS know what I mean. It gave us the boost we need to make the next thirty or forty years wonderful and filled with healthy and right choices that we made for ourselves (and not because our new pouches made them for us.)
So, 233. You can kiss it, cause I don't plan to see your ugly mug around much longer.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Indulgences
Today, someone asked me "what's the stuff you can't give up? the stuff you have to have?"
In regards to losing weight, and eating healthy, I don't feel like I've given up a lot. I know that's a patsy answer, and some people would stomp me for such a pollyanna response, but to completely authentic with you, I feel like I've gotten SO much more out of my new lifestyle than I've lost, so it's hard to answer.
As I wrote earlier, I do miss the spice cakes, and the apple muffins and the cinnamon creme doughnuts, but it's just for a few months...then all is moderately well again.
However, there are a few things I can't give up.
Coffee. I cannot abide the notion of living in a world without my morning, and evening cuppa joe. When the time comes for mike and I to try and create us a little Huffster, I know I'm going to have to scale waaaay back on the caffeine, and I see that posing no small challenge, since I'm honest to goodness addicted to my java juice. I love it. I told my surgeon "the only thing barring me from having this surgery is having you tell me I'll never be able to drink coffee again." I was mostly joking, but it would have been hard. Luckily, he's of the camp that says "drink some, drink more water." I would shiver if I had one of those surgeons nazi's that said NO COFFEE FOR YOU!
Sugar free Red Bull. Again, feeds into my obvious addiction to caffeine. I love it. Luckily it's a low carbonation beverage, so the bubbles don't upset the pouch.
fruit. Okay, all you overcrazed and lunatic low carbers. I'm calling you out RIGHT NOW! If you really think I'm gonna stop eating my apples and nanas just to lose a quick pound or two, you're wonky. I knew that in order to lose weight and correct my messed up metabolism, I'd have to give up a lot of cookies, candies, cakes and crap. I'd have to eliminate all the sickening refined flours and enriched yuckiness that I was feeding my body. But, I knew from day one that I would never eliminate fruit from my diet just to shed pounds more quickly. Granted, there are days when I know I need to cut back on my fruit intake, since two-three bananas a day is probably not good for me in this stage of the game. However, you better believe that when I hit goal and start the maintaining life style, I will for sure be doing my part to kill the scurvy and down the berries!
and finally, I shall never give up butter/cream/dairy. Some people are hard-core and they don't do butter or cream or any kind of dairy product because of the fattening aspects of it all, but I'm about moderation, and Paula Deen wasn't my mother so I know how to NOT use a stick of butter in cooking. When I bake my tilapia, I pour on the lemon-pepper seasoning and yes, why yes I do add a small pat of butter to it for taste. And...it tastes great.
all that to simply remind myself and others that living healthy means something totally different to me now than it did pre-surgery. It means getting more than I was before, and not missing what I'm missing.
Here's to all those delightfully delicious indulgences like baked apples with splenda and cinnamon. Seared halibut and asparagus. prime rib and sweet potato. Living the good life tastes fabulous!
In regards to losing weight, and eating healthy, I don't feel like I've given up a lot. I know that's a patsy answer, and some people would stomp me for such a pollyanna response, but to completely authentic with you, I feel like I've gotten SO much more out of my new lifestyle than I've lost, so it's hard to answer.
As I wrote earlier, I do miss the spice cakes, and the apple muffins and the cinnamon creme doughnuts, but it's just for a few months...then all is moderately well again.
However, there are a few things I can't give up.
Coffee. I cannot abide the notion of living in a world without my morning, and evening cuppa joe. When the time comes for mike and I to try and create us a little Huffster, I know I'm going to have to scale waaaay back on the caffeine, and I see that posing no small challenge, since I'm honest to goodness addicted to my java juice. I love it. I told my surgeon "the only thing barring me from having this surgery is having you tell me I'll never be able to drink coffee again." I was mostly joking, but it would have been hard. Luckily, he's of the camp that says "drink some, drink more water." I would shiver if I had one of those surgeons nazi's that said NO COFFEE FOR YOU!
Sugar free Red Bull. Again, feeds into my obvious addiction to caffeine. I love it. Luckily it's a low carbonation beverage, so the bubbles don't upset the pouch.
fruit. Okay, all you overcrazed and lunatic low carbers. I'm calling you out RIGHT NOW! If you really think I'm gonna stop eating my apples and nanas just to lose a quick pound or two, you're wonky. I knew that in order to lose weight and correct my messed up metabolism, I'd have to give up a lot of cookies, candies, cakes and crap. I'd have to eliminate all the sickening refined flours and enriched yuckiness that I was feeding my body. But, I knew from day one that I would never eliminate fruit from my diet just to shed pounds more quickly. Granted, there are days when I know I need to cut back on my fruit intake, since two-three bananas a day is probably not good for me in this stage of the game. However, you better believe that when I hit goal and start the maintaining life style, I will for sure be doing my part to kill the scurvy and down the berries!
and finally, I shall never give up butter/cream/dairy. Some people are hard-core and they don't do butter or cream or any kind of dairy product because of the fattening aspects of it all, but I'm about moderation, and Paula Deen wasn't my mother so I know how to NOT use a stick of butter in cooking. When I bake my tilapia, I pour on the lemon-pepper seasoning and yes, why yes I do add a small pat of butter to it for taste. And...it tastes great.
all that to simply remind myself and others that living healthy means something totally different to me now than it did pre-surgery. It means getting more than I was before, and not missing what I'm missing.
Here's to all those delightfully delicious indulgences like baked apples with splenda and cinnamon. Seared halibut and asparagus. prime rib and sweet potato. Living the good life tastes fabulous!
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Pounds happier
I can't sleep. My eyes are constantly tearing. My nose is constantly running. And my head is throbbing. Oh, and the nose? It's not a thick clogged up thing. It's a watery thing, wherein if I bend over slightly, my nose resembles a faucet, and you follow me, I'm sure.
Since I'm up late with nothing but my cinnabon flavored decaf coffee to keep my company (in my super cute starbucks "coffee in every language" mug) I thought I'd take this time to do a little pictoral comparison. Cause Meg did, and I thought 100 pounds lost deserves a little before and after. Shall we?
Click on the images to enlarge them.
the day of my WL surgery. My absolute highest weight of 333 pounds.
I know this is an odd picture, but it is one of the only full body shots I have. forgive the random weirdness of the other people. I'm on the front left, as if you couldn't tell.
These are from our Mission trip to Ukraine, which happened to occur almost exactly one year ago.
One year ago...this was me. :)
Now, one year later...this is me. Give or take a hundred pounds.
I wish I could thank each person individually who supported me in this journey, but I'll have to settle for a blanket "thank you" and trying to snag each moment of gratitude as it comes. For without a doubt, no man is an island, and we do none of this alone. We do indeed get by with a little help from our friends!
Some days, when I get discouraged, I think I'll take a wander over to this post and see how far I've come instead of lamenting on how far I have to go still. I'm over halfway to my goal! I've got roads to travel and pounds to shed, but I'm so much healthier and pounds and pounds happier.
Since I'm up late with nothing but my cinnabon flavored decaf coffee to keep my company (in my super cute starbucks "coffee in every language" mug) I thought I'd take this time to do a little pictoral comparison. Cause Meg did, and I thought 100 pounds lost deserves a little before and after. Shall we?
Click on the images to enlarge them.
the day of my WL surgery. My absolute highest weight of 333 pounds.
I know this is an odd picture, but it is one of the only full body shots I have. forgive the random weirdness of the other people. I'm on the front left, as if you couldn't tell.
These are from our Mission trip to Ukraine, which happened to occur almost exactly one year ago.
One year ago...this was me. :)
Now, one year later...this is me. Give or take a hundred pounds.
I wish I could thank each person individually who supported me in this journey, but I'll have to settle for a blanket "thank you" and trying to snag each moment of gratitude as it comes. For without a doubt, no man is an island, and we do none of this alone. We do indeed get by with a little help from our friends!
Some days, when I get discouraged, I think I'll take a wander over to this post and see how far I've come instead of lamenting on how far I have to go still. I'm over halfway to my goal! I've got roads to travel and pounds to shed, but I'm so much healthier and pounds and pounds happier.
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