For some reason I was convinced that at a certain point my weight loss would just cease. And it would cease before I wanted it to. In fact, I guessed that 230 or so would be my set point for awhile. I'm wrong, and I'm glad.
It has taken a long time to get to just "here." I'm still overweight, and that's frustrating, because you realize how much weight you needed to lose to begin with, b/c dammit, you've lost a lot already. But it's also a sweet moment, b/c I've never been this little in my memory. I've always been climbing the charts. Now, I'm surprising myself with every turn.
A quick shopping trip at Target blew me away when I realized after months of wearing clothes that were actually too big for me, that I'm no longer wearing a size precluded by a "2". I'm in 16/18 pants, and this is unbelievable. My "goal dress" fits, and is loose-ish. I wonder why I didn't set my goal lower, and I know now it's b/c I never thought I'd achieve anything better than that.
I'm also dropping very very quickly lately. A combination of nerves, and a heavy emphasis on lean protein and fruits and veggies have served to expedite my pound droppage, and I've lost a little over 10 pounds in about two weeks or so. For the month, that should be almost 18 pounds. I haven't lost that much weight since the first month or so.
I wonder inside when my body will know it's time to stop. If it will stop successfully, or whether I'll need to really work to eat more, denser caloric value foods.
No matter, because I'm 50 pounds from that day. And friends, I'm staring at that number. Only 50 pounds? ONLY? 50? Fifty lbs? What? Whatever happened to 170? How did this happen? I think it happened a moment at a time.
Today was a wow moment. I was walking into my office, wearing my badass size 18 jeans-so cute-and my new Michigan, super cozy hoodie. Makeup perfectly done, sassy new do, and I saw myself in the mirror and I was content. Oh, yes...I want to keep plodding away, but I mean, by God, I could handle the truth. I see myself and I feel rather skinny. (*laugh*) I know, I'm not. But, I also see where I'm headed and I'm just all "wow" about it.
I pray to the God in heaven that this mystery and this beauty of reclaiming who you are never leaves me and I never leave it. May I never take for granted a single second of acceptance and health and vitality because I could be on my way to dead right now had this course not been taken.
I want to fall to the ground in utter gratitude. I have my life back.
Friday, October 17, 2008
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
A tornado
Well, the amusement park was great. I road all rides successfully and with no physical duress. *clap, clap*
I wish I had strength and energy to go into how fun and great and lovely it was, but my heart is hurting today. I've had "a weekend." It was wonderful at times, and then, with an edge sharp and slicing, it cut deeply.
Without going into many details, a relationship I hold dear is falling apart, and crumbling. It will not likely survive.
Since this blog is primarily about my efforts to lose weight, eat healthy and live strong...I'll address how this crumbling relationship, this intense stress, and emotional upheaval affects a woman living post wls.
In this past week, I've lost ten pounds. I'm not sure I've lost that much weight in one week since the beginning of my weigh loss journey. It's not a healthy weight loss, and while any weight I lose makes me happy, this one doesn't have as much excitement attached to it. I've lost weight because I haven't been able to force myself to eat. I've been too full of anxiety and tumult to really know how to feed myself.
I know that I am different now. I am not like the rest of America in that my nutrition has a daily impact on how healthy I will be in the rest of my life. I am disturbed by the fact that I have probably not hit even half of my daily protein goals all week. Muscle wasting!?! Maybe. I've also been distracted and on more than a few occasions, forgot my vitamins. This too is a big no no.
Realistically, we all know that sometimes a little rain will fall into our lives, and that is ok. The sun will shine again. However, it's imperative that I and anyone else living lives like our own accepts that just like breathing, we have to do some things without fail, ever day. We must drink our water, eat our protein, take our vitamins and thank Jesus for new beginnings.
I'm learning that even a tornado can't destroy a foundation. So, I'm holding on to my foundations....and then I will pick up the pieces.
I wish I had strength and energy to go into how fun and great and lovely it was, but my heart is hurting today. I've had "a weekend." It was wonderful at times, and then, with an edge sharp and slicing, it cut deeply.
Without going into many details, a relationship I hold dear is falling apart, and crumbling. It will not likely survive.
Since this blog is primarily about my efforts to lose weight, eat healthy and live strong...I'll address how this crumbling relationship, this intense stress, and emotional upheaval affects a woman living post wls.
In this past week, I've lost ten pounds. I'm not sure I've lost that much weight in one week since the beginning of my weigh loss journey. It's not a healthy weight loss, and while any weight I lose makes me happy, this one doesn't have as much excitement attached to it. I've lost weight because I haven't been able to force myself to eat. I've been too full of anxiety and tumult to really know how to feed myself.
I know that I am different now. I am not like the rest of America in that my nutrition has a daily impact on how healthy I will be in the rest of my life. I am disturbed by the fact that I have probably not hit even half of my daily protein goals all week. Muscle wasting!?! Maybe. I've also been distracted and on more than a few occasions, forgot my vitamins. This too is a big no no.
Realistically, we all know that sometimes a little rain will fall into our lives, and that is ok. The sun will shine again. However, it's imperative that I and anyone else living lives like our own accepts that just like breathing, we have to do some things without fail, ever day. We must drink our water, eat our protein, take our vitamins and thank Jesus for new beginnings.
I'm learning that even a tornado can't destroy a foundation. So, I'm holding on to my foundations....and then I will pick up the pieces.
Friday, October 3, 2008
Anxiety
Well, tomorrow is the big day. A little caravan of folksies, including me, my hubs, my gal pal, and another friend is headed to Sandusky to ride the rides at Cedar Point amusement park. I've passed the 100 pounds lost threshold, and will be thusly rewarded with a day getting sick to my stomach, and whirling around on mechanical cars.
Here's the thing though...I'm still kinda terrified that my large ass won't fit in the seats. And, perhaps the seat belts won't buckle. AND, what if my big fat tummy insists on making it impossible for the lap bar to come down? I mean, I'm still overweight. I'm still obese according to the BMI charts! I'm barely fitting in the teen sizes and I'm sliding by a tiny margin into 229 lbs. GAH!
It's not that it would devastate me to have to miss out on a couple coasters, but I'm envisioning pain and agony trying to squeeze myself into every ride.
My vision of how much I weigh, and how large I am seems to be doing the opposite of what my body is really doing. The smaller I get, the larger I feel. I probably wouldn't have thought too much about it at a larger weight, but now? I'm paranoid and terrified. Not to mention, Cedar Point seems to be notorious about prohibiting larger riders from tight fits...oh the agony.
Have I come this far only to be rejected because of my size again? I guess I'll let you know tomorrow when I get home...pray for me, peeps. I need to have some victory here.
Here's the thing though...I'm still kinda terrified that my large ass won't fit in the seats. And, perhaps the seat belts won't buckle. AND, what if my big fat tummy insists on making it impossible for the lap bar to come down? I mean, I'm still overweight. I'm still obese according to the BMI charts! I'm barely fitting in the teen sizes and I'm sliding by a tiny margin into 229 lbs. GAH!
It's not that it would devastate me to have to miss out on a couple coasters, but I'm envisioning pain and agony trying to squeeze myself into every ride.
My vision of how much I weigh, and how large I am seems to be doing the opposite of what my body is really doing. The smaller I get, the larger I feel. I probably wouldn't have thought too much about it at a larger weight, but now? I'm paranoid and terrified. Not to mention, Cedar Point seems to be notorious about prohibiting larger riders from tight fits...oh the agony.
Have I come this far only to be rejected because of my size again? I guess I'll let you know tomorrow when I get home...pray for me, peeps. I need to have some victory here.
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